


Boo Boo Bear

by IncurablePeppermint



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Boy Bands, Future Fic, Writers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-02 01:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16295987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncurablePeppermint/pseuds/IncurablePeppermint
Summary: When Tina is suddenly hired as a Lyricist for a major production company Louise is confused and concerned. Worried that her sister is just being scammed or made fun of, she hunts down the man who hired her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set with the siblings in their mid to late 20s

Louise swallows her bite of burger and then wipes ketchup and mayonnaise off onto her jacket sleeve. She sits across from her sister who seems to be satisfied with a milkshake and a salad instead of a meal that any normal person would eat. But whatever, it’s her sister, so it’s fine. “So, you  _ actually _ got a job from your erotic fanfiction,” Louise asks, finally feeling like they’ve shot the shit long enough that she can bring up the elephant in the room.

“Yeah, why is that so hard for you to believe?” Tina adjusts her glasses before continuing her rapid-fire scribbling on a memo pad. Louise shakes her head, still unconvinced. She has always been certain that Tina would end up like Aunt Gayle and that she and Gene would be bailing her out forever. 

Which isn’t a bad thing. She’s definitely not as out there as Aunt Gayle and she isn’t so tense that she can’t hold down a job. She just doesn’t do well with people and has such an active imagination that she ends up daydreaming through lessons, so she struggled through high school and then landed a shitty job at Wonder Wharf where she can scope hot tourists instead of trying for college or something. She’s just a little different and needs a little extra help to get along. No big deal.

And as a bonus her hobbies don’t make her shitty apartment smell like piss and tuna. Instead of keeping up with angry cats, Tina has kept up a blog with a deep archive of her fanfiction for years now. She uses a pseudonym for anonymity (not that “DinaBlecher” is a very good one) but apparently despite the anonymous nature of her publishing method someone managed to contact her and offer her a job with decent pay and benefits other than discount face-painting. Louise isn’t clear on the details.

“Explain.”

“I’m just a good writer, that’s all.”

“Tina. As much as I love you and believe in you, your writing isn’t.... Subtle. Or long. Or anything that would make it publishable.”

“Ok, uh... Thanks for being honest?”

“It’s the only way to be.”

“But this is a lyricist position.”

“Like... A song-writer?”

“Yes.”

“For a band?”

“For a company, but sort of, yeah.”

“Like you’re writing songs for real people to sing?”

“Yeah, I am. I mean... I’ve written a lot of fanfiction for Boyz4Now, back in the day. And more recently Super Senior, 97 Degrees, Why Do We-”

“I get it, T, lots of boys. Lots of bands.”

“Well, the point is, I wrote original songs for a lot of those and... Apparently someone found them and liked them.”

“Alright, but who would be reading your fanfictions that  _ also _ has a connection to a production company?”

Tina furrows her eyebrows and stares down at her half-finished strawberry milkshake. “I didn’t think about that. I don’t... Know. I just got excited. You don’t think it’s a trick, do you?” She sighs and puts a hand to each side of her head. “Oh, no. I already quit on Mr. Fischoeder. Do you think he’ll hire me back?”

Louise puts a hand on one of Tina’s arms. Her work-tanned fingers contrast sharply with the relative pallor of Tina’s skin. “Tina. Shh. I’ll find out what’s up, okay? I’m good at this stuff.” Tina nods, but she doesn’t move her hands. “Just give me the deets and I’ll look into it. I’ll tell the Pestos that shipment of wood finish hasn’t actually come in yet and take the day off to hunt down your boss. And if it’s fishy, I’ll get you your job back, okay?”

“You can do that?”

“Of course! Fischoeder thinks I’m great, doing home repairs and refurbishing to practice being a landlord? That’s all stuff he meant to do. Loves it, thinks it’s ‘novel.’ Gives me wood and shit he doesn’t need for free.”

Tina takes a breath and then relaxes. “Alright. Okay. Thanks Louise. I really appreciate this.”

“It’s not a problem T, I love this shit. And if it turns out you’re being scammed I’m gonna slap the scammer right across his stupid face.”

“I think maybe... You probably shouldn’t slap them.”

“That’s nice. But I do what I want.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louise confronts the man who hired her sister about piss and fanfiction.

“Cico Records... Alright, who’s the bitch.” Louise sits on a bench in front of the company’s New York headquarters as she finishes off her pizza slice. She’s done her research, and this is the company and the branch that reached out to Tina. And honestly, Louise is pretty damn sure this is some weird prank.

Cico Records is the label backing at least three fourths of the boy bands Tina writes about. So, maybe some guy got uncomfortable about girls writing about him kissing his bandmates and weird self-inserts about getting stuck on an island and then going into human heat? Fair enough, reasonable. But hunting down some random chick to make an example of her? Hunting down  _ Tina _ , who is a good person and would totally be willing to make some alterations if asked, and humiliating her in front of people to try to put a stop to Lil Pepperoni slash Ethan Hogwarts alternate universe fiction? No. Not going to happen.

Louise shakes her head a little, pushing herself out of the rabbit hole of niche fictions she found over the years. Trying to figure out Tina’s interests only results in confusion. She’ll just stick with accepting it with distant confusion.

She tosses her plate in the overfilled trash can outside the front doors before making her way inside. She stops at receptionist and casually leans over onto his desk, eyeing her nails. “So. I have a meeting with the hiring guy. If you could just.... Direct me to the right floor.” He eyes her for a moment, suspiciously. 

“You don’t look like our usual hires.”

“Oh, bud. I’m a manager, not the talent.”

“Mm. Sure. You also don’t look like a manager,  _ but _ I also don’t care. Fifth floor, third door on the right.”

“You’re a good man. A good man.” Louise stands up straight with a little, “Hup,” and then strolls to the elevator casually, before nixing the idea and going to the stairs. Bigwigs use the elevators, she could spot the fucker in there and not even know it. Plus, if she takes the stairs and gets a little bit winded she can have that crazed, sweaty madman look when she opens the door. Priceless.

She purposefully dishevels herself as she high-knees it up the staircase. Untucks her shirt from her pleather pants. Pops half the collar on her vest. Tugs her hat a bit to one side, but not too far (it  _ has _ to cover both her ears). Takes a moment before she opens the door to the fifth floor to yank one of her pants legs out from the boot it’s stuffed into.

She glances around the hall she finds herself in for a moment, trying to figure out when door is the third from the elevator, since that’s probably what the receptionist expected her to take. She spots it and is surprised and amused to find a Boyz4Now poster on the door, one of the special edition ones from their tour after Boo Boo rejoined. She only remembers because she once considered, maybe, purchasing one when they came out, only to find out they were hellishly expensive. She can’t imagine how much it’s worth  _ now _ .

She finds her hand instinctively reaching for it, to snatch it off the door and run. She stops herself and gives the hand a little slap. No, this isn’t a money-grubbing scheme. This is for  _ Tina _ . Louise puts on her best ‘The Shimmering’ scary dad face and gives the door a knock. “Ugh, just a minute, okay I’m  _ busy _ .” She hears the distinct snap of shapewear being checked, familiar after Gene got super into tight fitting pants in high school but didn’t want his ‘bits and bobs’ to be quite so visible in them. 

After a short moment the door opens revealing a man that Louise instantly recognizes as Boo Boo, despite his prematurely balding head and the unfortunate ‘Boyz4Now & 4Ever’ neck tattoo that peeks out of the top of his cheap collared shirt. Louise snorts and puts a hand to her mouth, unable to keep up her threatening expression. Despite this, Boo Boo hurriedly runs behind his desk with a startled gasp. “You! It’s  _ you _ ! I still have that restraining order in place! You get right on out of here.” He peeks up over the desk to try to shoo Louise away. She gauges the distance between them then takes three steps forward.

“I know, I know. I have to stay, what, second row tickets away? It’s too bad your lawyers were hoping I was an avid fan willing to pay good ticket money.”

“Damnit, I was hoping you didn’t know about that part.”

“You know I have to know about it, right? Like I’m a part of the legal agreement.”

“Well, whatever you’re here for I’m not interested. I just want you gone.”

“I wanna know why you hired my sister.”

“You’re  _ sister _ ? I’d  _ never _ hire a Belcher after what  _ you _ did.”

“Oh calm down, just I slapped you. And I only did it like, once.”

“It was traumatic! If one fan has a crazy slapping fetish then another fan might want to rip out my hair or bite my arm or... Or stab me!” He stands up, but not straight, still hunched over in preparation for hiding. Then he puts a hand to his chest and takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm down.

“Well, whatever, you hired a Belcher. I just want to know why.”

“The only recent hire we’ve had that isn’t talent is a songwriter and her name is...” He eyes Louise suspiciously before sitting at his desk and typing a few things into his computer. “Dina Blecher,” he says confidently. “So there, not your sister. Good day, go away, don’t come back.”

“No, no. You hired  _ Tina Belcher _ .”

“You seem to have misheard I-”

“No, you idiot. That’s her screen name. It’s not even a good pseudonym.”

He looks at his computer screen for a moment, then over at Louise. His expression slowly morphs from confused to horrified. “Oh god. Well, she can’t work here. I’ll make the call and-”

“Oh no you don’t, buddy. Tina is excited about this job.”

“I’m not letting your sister work for me! It’s a liability! You’ve  _ already _ showed up to harrass me and she’s only been here like, two days!”

Louise leans against the doorway and crosses her arms. “I came in here to make sure someone hadn’t hired my sister to pull some prank on her. And I still haven’t found out why  _ you _ hired her.” She puts a foot on the other side of the doorframe. “And I plan to stay right here until you tell me.”

“You can’t do that!”

“No, no. I can’t approach you. If I stay here, which I’d say is second row seats away from you, I should be perfectly fine.  _ You _ on the other hand, can’t get up for coffee... Lunch... To piss. It’s a bad time for Boo Boo.”

“I don’t go by Boo Boo anymore, it’s  _ Bradley! _ And... Fine. I just... Read her work and thought she’d be a decent lyricist if she put her mind to it.”

“Why were you reading it?”

“That’s my personal-”

“You won’t be able to  _ piss _ ! And if you think I’ll leave for anything you’re dead wrong. I’ll piss right here!”

“God, okay! Just don’t do that.” He cranes his neck a bit to peek out the door past Louise, then in a hushed tone says, “I... Was reading old Boyz4Now fanfiction... Because I went through puberty and lost my voice and my career and... I’m stuck here now, okay?” 

“Wow. That’s pretty pathetic.”

“I know! Shut up!”

Louise lowers her foot and shoves her hands in her pockets. “Look, Boo Boo.”

“Bradley!”

“Bradley, whatever. If my sister gets fired because of this, I’ll come back here. And if you aren’t here, I’ll find you. So you better not do anything bad to my sister, okay? You better keep her on as a lyricist because she’s a beautiful, talented soul, you hear me?”

“Talented soul, loud and clear.”

“Good. Now let’s cross our fingers and hope to not have to see eachother again, huh?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Belcher family watches the first music video made from one of Tina's songs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, the song and video are an altered version of the Friendzone guy from "Just one of the Boyz 4 now for now"  
> Also I know this chapter feels off-topic, but it is set up lmao

“Look, Tina.  _ Just _ being a clown is too mainstream. I’ll never get to Broadway with a red nose. It’s cliche! Overdone! But this,” Gene kisses his fingertips and then waves his hand out, “This is  _ perfection _ !” His face is coated in white paint which is spotted with colorful geometric shapes and squiggles. Squinting at him, Louise thinks he looks like a particularly shitty piece of abstract art. But he’s also really pleased with himself, so she’ll keep that to herself.

Tina can’t quite let her trouble with this new phase of Gene’s go quietly. “I guess there  _ have _ been a lot of regular clowns. But if that’s the problem I don’t see why you don’t just take another route.”

“I didn’t get a three day boot camp certification in juggling to go into  _ opera _ , woman! Accept my art!”

“I do accept your art! I just also realize that people other than clowns juggle.”

“Blasphemy!”

Louise knocks her knuckles against the counter to get their attention and turns the television volume up. “Hey, dorks. Tina’s video is on next.”

Linda hurriedly busts through the kitchen door and takes a seat at the counter. “Ooh, my little Tina. A big star with a big video.”

Tina nervously massages one of her arms. “It’s not  _ my _ video. I mean... I wrote most of the song lyrics and I told them to base the video on Beauty in Blue,” her voice trails off as she speaks, like she doubts her words before they even leave her mouth. 

Louise rolls her eyes. “Don’t be modest, T. It’s your  _ baby _ , you actually went to a bar with me to celebrate after they emailed you the draft.” That piques the interest of their father, who has just finished changing the burger of the day over to tomorrow’s not so subtle ‘Burgerin’ Bleu + tater tot headphones’ celebratory special. 

He wipes the chalk dust off of his hands before asking, “Tina went to a bar? You guys go to  _ bars _ ?”

Linda cooes, “Oh, Bobby. They’re old enough. Besides, a little drink never hurt anyone. Ooh! We can have a proper girls night out, now.”

“I’m coming too!” Gene demands.

“No one is going. Lin, you can’t take our kids to a bar.”

“Why not, they’re all grown up and I wanna do little shots with my little snots.” She gives a snorting laugh.

“Oh my _ god _ , shut up. The video is on.” Louise flips the volume even higher up until the television can no longer be ignored.

A young boyband member picks up a girl who looks like a mix of Tina and 1980s Molly Ringwald. Mostly Molly Ringwald. Actually the only notes taken from Tina are a bad haircut in black, thick-rimmed square glasses, and a strange gait. The boy has the oversized walkman headphones and over-layered clothes of Goose. He doesn’t really look like the actor that played Goose, but no one cares about that guy anymore anyway.

_ Hey girl, I’m your best friend. I thought I was your type, but for now I’m just your friend. I’m willing to wait, I’ll set up your dates. I’ll always wait here for you. _

He looks longingly off at the Molly-Tina amalgamation as she walks the halls of a high school that is so well-decorated in preparation for prom that it breaks immersion. She talks to a nicely dressed boy who is designated as a jock by catching a football that flies in from off-screen before it can hit fake-Tina in the face. She swoons before it pans back to the singer. Linda gasps and puts a hand to her cheek. “My little Tina, living her highschool fantasy through a music video. So beautiful.”

Tina groans. “Mom, I’m not... This is my  _ job _ .”

“You’re right, you’re right.”

Several other boys join in behind the original as the scene shifts to a totally unrealistically large and ornate prom venue. All in pastel 80s tuxedos. Totally cheesy. 

_ Just your friend. I’ll pick up the pieces whenever this ends. It’ll be enough for you, and I will always come through, unless there is some breakthrough I will always just be your friend. _

The totally-not-Tina is wearing an obviously homemade blue dress that has been much updated from the source material. Mostly to lower the neckline to show off fake-Tina’s cleavage while she does a shimmying dance number and to raise the hemline to show off glitter specked pantyhose. 

_ Even if your high school romance never ends, you will still be my godsend. Girl, I love you. I still want to be your best friend.  _

For some reason, to highlight the thematic opposite of that line, the boys in the band and several other obviously twenty-something actors pretending to be young teens surround the bizzarro Ringwald character and start to do the PG-13 version of copping feels. They take turns holding her hand, giving chaste kisses, doing slow dances with her. The scene ends with not-quite-Tina-not-quite-Molly being sensually dipped by the main singer.

“Damn, fake-Tina can really  _ get it _ , huh?” Gene says, interrupting a commercial for pest control.

“Gene! I don’t know what that means for sure, but I don’t like it.” 

Louise chuckles a little and flips off the television, leaning back against the bar. “Chill, dad. He just means a lot of hot seventeen to twenty five year old boys are ready to get in fake-Tina’s pants.”

“Oh. Well. I guess that’s not wrong, given the video.”

“What? No. It’s supposed to be about romance.” 

Bob looks from the blank television down to his eldest daughter. “I mean the song, maybe. But the video was, uh...”

Gene puts his father’s thoughts into words, “Porn, but for teenage girls who are too afraid to search the word butt on the internet!”

“Thank you Gene.”

Tina huffs. “Well I only told them what to base it on and gave a couple notes.”

“Yeah, notes about how to make that lady look like teenage Tina. Get it you self-insert cougar!” Gene gives Tina a gentle shove. “I can’t wait to see your weird time travel babies.”


End file.
